People tend to think that BDSM relationships revolve around being abused with only sociopaths and victims of childhood abuse partaking in this lifestyle. In fact, abuse of any kind is strictly forbidden and very much frowned upon! But unfortunately like any other lifestyle you will find jerks and losers in this lifestyle as well.

It is very important for a Master (or any other D-type) to not take advantage of the situation and for the submissive to understand they have a right to stop at any point. BDSM is safe, sane, and consensual. Complete and honest consent is crucial to a successful BDSM relationship.

Communication is so important and it’s essential to have many in depth conversations with all parties involved. Every BDSM relationship will have their rules but there are also some imperative unwritten rules, unless the parties agree otherwise by written or verbal contract:

  1. Respect is earned, not forced.
  2. Stepping over a hard limit is not acceptable under any circumstances.
  3. You have no rights dominate until control is transferred to you.
  4. A Master should never punish when angry. The punishment should fit the crime.
  5. You are responsible for your slave’s health (physical and mental), but you are not their therapist.
  6. After administering punishment the Master may follow up with tenderness for the sub, it’s not a sign of weakness to be loving and kind.
  7. Your slave’s needs come before your wants.
  8. A Master cannot change core rules without consent (blanket consent can be given).
  9. Respect and trustworthiness is required from you towards your sub.
  10. You may give rewards when earned.
  11. If your sub or slave asks to be released you must let them go, unless you’ve negotiated termination requirements in your Contract (e.g. counseling before ending the relationship).
  12. The sub’s family, profession and every other aspect of their life are off limits unless expressly agreed to otherwise.
  13. subs and slaves are never allowed to be bought or sold (unless slave has given permission beforehand, which may include via blanket authority).
  14. As a Master understand that you are not immune to making mistakes; even you are human.
  15. Being deceitful is never acceptable.

Other unwritten rules:

  • You must train your sub properly and individually. Each one will be different so it’s useful to adapt your teaching style.
  • Give clear instructions and don’t blame the slave for your ambiguity.
  • Realize that people have differing opinions of what it means to be a sub vs a slave. The only way to know is to have a conversation about needs and wants.

These are some of the basic unwritten rules that Masters ought to follow. Having a submissive gives the Master much less power that vanilla people realize. Both parties should be enjoying their roles in the BDSM lifestyle and as a Master it is your job to make sure you are doing your part. Although the Master may retain the title the power is still 50/50 with the submissive, unless slave has given authority to you. Always make sure that whatever you do is safe, sane, and consensual.

Negotiating rights and responsibilities from the outset is important. Take the time to draw up a Master/slave contract very thoroughly. You don’t need to have anything in writing as long as both parties understand what’s expected.

If you are a submissive reading this and think you are in an abusive relationship instead of a D/s relationship you need to leave immediately. If your Master is becoming possessive, jealous, and starts to make threats outside of your sessions that is a clear sign they could be an abuser. BDSM is supposed to be fun and fulfilling not abusive and scary.