When looking for a BDSM relationship or hookup online, please be aware of online scammers. As with any dating scene, there are trustworthy members and then there are the bad apples you need to look out for. Here are some tips to avoid being scammed:

Choose a reputable BDSM dating site – But don’t rely on the site to keep you safe. Even if a site is reputable, an unscrupulous member may try to take advantage of you. Although a dating site may have strong measures to keep out/ban scammers, they can’t control every single interaction between their members. Take the responsibility onto yourself to stay cautious. Here are some sites you may like to try:

Fetlife.com – whilst not a dating site, it’s a great place to meet like-minded people and make connections.

Vanilla-Umbrella.com – a discreet BDSM Fetish Kink dating mobile app. This app has safeguards in place including one account per device (to avoid fake profiles) and does not allow findom (financial domination) or other money exchanges including prodomme services. It’s for those genuinely interested in meeting, dating, chatting with like-minded people.

Local is safer – Scammers like long distance relationships as it reduces their likelihood of getting caught. If you want to meet a real partner or lover, staying local is probably your best bet. Don’t forget your offline options too. These include local munch meetings, kink communities and events. You can still come up against scammers but at least you’ll get the chance to meet them in person and to build some trust. If you need help, don’t be afraid to reach out to someone. Many kinksters will be happy to help you, especially if you feel you’re in trouble.

Being asked for money – Do not wire any money to someone you’ve only met online. There are Mistresses, Doms and even Babydolls out there who demand or request money without ever intending to meet you, make a connection with you or to provide you with any service. If they are genuine and they are asking for money from the outset, be prepared that this will continue throughout the relationship. If you do wish to entertain such a relationship, test the person. Start with very small amounts you are prepared to part with as “gifts” and see how their trustworthiness develops. Don’t start with exorbitant amounts. Never expect your money back or anything in return when you are asked for money online. It is always a risk.

Here are some guidelines:

A Tribute – some online Mistresses will require a tribute before considering you. This is their fee for time taken to go over your slave application (if they have one) and to determine whether you are a worthy consideration. It’s a way for the slave applicant to show good faith and it it’s also the Mistress’s way of weeding out insincere applicants and time wasters.

The tribute fee is usually minimal ranging from $5 to $25, but some do charge as much as $300. Note, you should not expect to get anything in return for the tribute other than for the Mistress to consider you. The tribute is not refundable and does not guarantee the Mistress will ever contact you. Take it as an application fee. Many Mistresses don’t require any tribute.

Upfront Fees for being Dominated

I receive a lot of emails from slaves/submissives AFTER they have made payment and their self-proclaimed Domme never shows in person or online again, despite repeated promises before the money is received. Sadly, some payments were in the thousands.

There is no such thing as “blind trust” when negotiating a dynamic or scene. A D-type, and yes, including Mistresses and Pro Dommes, need to earn trust. These are some of your options:

  • If you’re looking for a session in person, don’t pay the money online up front. Advise the Domme you are interested in her services, however you require to meet in person first to ensure you are suited to each other. It would be appropriate to pay her fee for meeting you (a reasonable amount for a 1 to 2 hour “session”). This payment can be done in person by cash at the time of the meeting. If the Domme refuses, this is a good indication she will renege on any promises to meet you in person.
  • If you’re looking for or are restricted to finding an online Mistress – the financial request may be for a sum of money or for “purchase of toys” for your session. You can send her the money – but make sure you are ok with never seeing it again. She could end up domming you online and purchasing the toys she promises to buy or she may just take your money and run. There are a lot of scammers, even on the beloved and trusted FetLife….so, that is the risk you take. You could perhaps send it by PayPal, which may offer you some protection, but that is NOT guaranteed. You could also vet her by asking to speak with prior subs/slaves and/or seeing her longer term profile activity/interactions on reputable sites. You can never be too cautious; it is your right and responsibility to be cautious, so please don’t ever feel guilty for that.
  • If you’re looking for a romantic, long term connection – this can be much harder to find online. You’ll need to be patient and be prepared to put in the work to find a genuine Dominant looking for a long term Female Led Relationship (FLR). You’ll need to sift through the myriad of online Mistresses looking for payment for providing professional services, online paypigs and victims to scam. BUT, but it’s not impossible. Even if you do decide to be a paypig, I know of one case where a paypig slave ended up being permanently collared by his financial Dominatrix and lives with her for several years now. But, I wouldn’t be entertaining this gamble. You are better off joining sites like Fetlife.com, making connections and looking for those who are searching for the same connection.

A Contract Fee or Commitment Fee

They often call it a “contract fee” or a “commitment fee”. These are scams. There is no way of getting your money back after you send it (whether you pay by credit card or you deposit money into their personal account). If you want to book a BDSM session with a prodomme in Her dungeon, that’s a different story. Although, we do suggest you pay in person and, unless you’ve had dealings with the prodomme before and you’ve built some trust, only pay for one session at a time.

A good example….

Recently a slave wrote to us asking whether he was liable to pay Mistress’s “contract termination fee”, as She called it. The slave had met Mistress online (never in person). She had required an upfront payment (few thousand dollars) to enter into a Contract which She had sent to slave by email. Under the Contract, they were meant to meet in person for several sessions. The slave signed Her contract and sent the money. After She received payment, Mistress reneged on Her promise to meet the slave and also never signed the Contract Herself. A few months later, this Mistress proceeded to tell slave that he must pay another sum of money in order to be set free from the Contract he signed. Of course, he did not owe ANY obligations to this so-called Mistress. However, she had manipulated him to the stage where he felt unsure.

The moral of the story? If someone (even a prodomme) asks you for money or gift cards before meeting you in person, don’t fall for it. It’s sure to be a scam and you’ll most likely never see your money again, not even if they say it’s “refundable”. Who are you going to complain to if they decide not to refund your money? As for BDSM dating, last time I checked, dating someone is still free, so anybody wanting money to be your online Mistress/Master, that’s a scam!

Aside from asking you for money to enter into some form of contract or relationship, scammers like to play on your sympathy. They’ll tell you they need your help for an emergency or they need money for their sick relatives or even needing money to come and see you. Don’t send them any money please.

Personal details – Do not reveal your phone number, address or other personal/contact details unless you’ve met someone in person and developed a sense of trust. When meeting in person for the first time, choose a public place.

Do some research – Try searching for the person’s username or title (e.g. Master/Mistress xyz) or their surname into a search engine. See whether they’ve been reported for scams before. You could even copy and paste the content of their message into the search field. They might be sending a standard scam message to lots of potential victims. Another way to research a scammer is to use their photo. Upload it to tineye.com or Google Goggles to see where else it appears. They may have stolen it from someone random or from a model.

Avoid a computer virus – As with any message you receive, be careful about the attachments you open from someone you’ve never met. It could be a virus.

Are you chatting up a bot? – If the person you’re messaging always responds immediately or within 10 minutes then it could be a bot.

We hope this gives you some guidance about dealing with scammers in the BDSM online dating world. You can find more tips and resources about keeping safe online by doing a web search. Use your common sense and ask yourself why does this person want this from me?

Also, we have discovered that some of these scrupulous Dominants are using a contract which has our website name on the top. These are not our Contracts forms and we are not associated with such persons in any way. If you didn’t get the contract from our site, it’s probably a fake. Please note our BDSM Contract Forms are designed for couples who are or intend to start a relationship without any requirement for payment or compensation. Our contract templates are intended to help couples negotiate and grow their bond, they are not a fee-for-a-service type contract. We are not associated with any person or product that requires payment in order to have a D/s relationship with you. We suggest you cut off all communication with such persons and report them to the police.

All the best.