“I am a submissive (male or female) and I want to introduce my partner to the life. How do I do that?”

This is an age-old question and there is no one simple answer to it. It is always important to approach this question from the standpoint that BDSM is a personal, very personal, lifestyle option. This is true for both Dominants and subs. No one can “teach” another person to be dominant or submissive; they simply are what they are.


If you are a sub and want to try to introduce your partner into the life as being your Dom or Domme and perhaps even get them to sign a contract, there are some ways that might get the ball rolling. Let’s take a look at a few of those now.

Pictures are worth a thousand words

Many BDSM relationships have evolved from vanilla relationships because one of the partners made comments about pictures involving bondage, spanking, or other fetish-related material.

Try finding an image or two on the Internet that depicts what you want (as a sub) and when your partner is nearby make the comment: “That looks interesting!” or “I wonder what it’s like to be tied up like that?” (If it is a bondage pic).

Put the onus on you not them

There are many men and women who would enjoy being more dominant but are not sure how to go about it. They may be concerned that showing a dominant to you would offend you! Don’t put the first step on them, you take it instead.

You can start by simply calling your partner “Sir” or “Ma’am” more often. If he or she is sitting on the sofa, you can kneel at their feet (and you can do this without being overtly submissive). You can be more tactile, meaning you touch him or her more often. When making love, ease their hand up over your mouth and hold it there as you moan with pleasure.

Set Up a Role Playing Night

Many subs have introduced their partners into the life by setting up a special role-playing night. The idea is simple: ask your partner if he or she would like to “have some fun” and then explain to them that you want to explore a fantasy in which you are submissive and they are dominant. There are a ton of themes that you can use to get this started including: naughty schoolgirl/boy, pirate and kidnapped princess, cops and robbers, to name a few.

If your partner is agreeable, spend some time telling them what you want to do during the session. Again, make it easy on them at this point. You are the one leading them into this lifestyle, so do not assume that they will know what to do. Give them some clues and ideas and, most of all, show them that you are excited about this!

At Some Point Confess

No sub can “make” another person into a BDSM dominant, but that does not mean that you cannot share your desires and needs with your partner. The best way to start communicating about this issue to to negotiate a D/s contract. Keep it light to start with, you don’t want to scare your partner with harsh clauses.  It is a proven fact, that many people (men and women) have dominant tendencies that are kept hidden from others, including their partners. It may very well be that your partner, if told the truth about your submissive needs, will be more than willing to explore those desires with you.