BDSM Communication – Rule Ideas

All experienced kinksters will tell you, a main rule in BDSM is communication.

But, how do you go about it effectively?
How do you bring up issues once you’re in your roles?
Do you have rules for check-ins and pausing the dynamic?

Here are some rule ideas you may like to consider for communication, negotiation, check-ins and pausing your dynamic.

These fundamentals help underpin the foundations of your arrangement. They are crucial for building a trusting environment.

You can either add communication rules to your Contract (if you have one) or just incorporate them into your arrangement.

Personalize them to your needs and tastes.

Communication Rule Ideas

• The Dom and sub acknowledge that communication is a vital aspect of any relationship or interaction, especially in this lifestyle; where the inherent nature of such dynamics appears against social norms and can play on one’s sense of reality.
• The parties agree to be open and honest with each other when communicating at all times.
• Being honest means that all essential information is communicated (omission by silence is not permitted).
• If any party has a concern, they shall raise the issue immediately (if this is not practicable, then within 24 hours) using the procedures outlined in Check-ins and Pauses below.

Communication can be difficult for many people. It’s not easy opening up and being vulnerable to another. Many people shut down communication in times of difficulty. Acknowledging this in your agreement brings the importance of discussing your thoughts and feelings to the forefront. When you feel stuck and your communication breaks down, reflect on these rules and remind yourselves of their importance – it could save your relationship.

Negotiation Rule Ideas

• The parties acknowledge that negotiation is a crucial first step to creating a relationship or dynamic where both party’s needs and wants can be met. It also helps to avoid disappointment through unmet expectations.
• The parties agree to express their wants, needs and desires in an open and honest way. This means saying no to activities and interactions which do not interest you and also saying yes to those which excite you.
• The Dominant and submissive acknowledge that during any period of negotiation (while stepping outside of the dynamic), they are both on an equal playing field. There is no power exchange during negotiations.
• The parties agree not to manipulate one another or to force the other person into anything. Consent obtained through coercion or manipulation is not consent.
• The Dom and sub agree not to mock, tease or ridicule the other party for making any suggestions or when expressing their fantasies, wants, needs and desires.
• The parties agree not to step into their roles or to engage in any activity unless that activity, interaction or dynamic has been negotiated and agreed upon beforehand.

Contract Clauses for Check-Ins

• The parties acknowledge that regular check ins and the ability to pause the dynamic are important for safety (emotional and physical) and for building trust.
• Once the parties step into their roles, the Master and slave agree to provide daily check ins at an agreed upon time via an agreed upon method (e.g. telephone conversation, video call, text, email, journal, face to face).
• During check ins, each party may discuss anything they wish about the dynamic including how they are feeling, what they are enjoying, things that are bothering them, whether they would like to continue and any changes they propose.
• In addition to the scheduled check ins above, the Dominant or submissive may request (or command) a check in at any time to see how the other person is feeling.

Wording for Pausing Your Dynamic

• Either party may stop or pause the power exchange at any time using the following codeword (e.g. “pause”, “time out”, “banana”).
• Once the Dominant or submissive uses the designated pause word:
  • the parties agree to stop all interactions and return to equal power; and
  • the parties may either discuss the issue at that moment or schedule a later time to discuss.
• Any discussions during a pause period shall take place in the specified designated area (e.g. a specific room in the house).