Beginner BDSM Rules – How to Start a BDSM Relationship

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How to Start a BDSM Relationship

Whether you have already met someone or you are just exploring this lifestyle, planning out your ideal connection is one of the most exciting first steps.

When creating your special, unique arrangement:

1. Don’t just follow everyone else. Use the rule ideas you come across as inspiration only. Every BDSM arrangement will be different, so don’t feel pressured to incorporate anything that does not appeal to you. Make it relevant to you.

The hardest part in keeping your connection fresh and exciting is finding what appeals to you. Having lots of ideas to consider or try can really help.

2. Take your time. Don’t feel pressured to have all the issues figured out. This process takes time. Some couples take weeks or even months to negotiate their ultimate dynamic, and even then, it’s never perfect and needs constant re-evaluation and tweaking.

3. Keep it simple. Do not overwhelm yourself with too many rules. Start with one or two that appeal to you most and see if you like them. Then consider if they need modifying, removing and perhaps if you’d like to add more rules to try.

4. Be open to explore. Keep your relationship fresh by being open to new rules and different ways of interacting. It’s okay to change things up at any time (with your partner’s consent of course).

If you haven’t already got our BDSM Contract Workbook, grab your copy at the link below.

It will take you through the key issues to consider when negotiating (or renegotiating) your kinky dynamic.

Beginner BDSM Rules for Creating a BDSM Relationship

Starting a power exchange and keeping it fresh takes planning, creativity and forethought.

All experienced kinksters will tell you, a main rule in BDSM is communication.

But, how do you go about it effectively?
How do you bring up issues once you’re in your roles?
Do you have rules for check-ins and pausing the dynamic?

Beginner BDSM Rules for Communication

• The Dom and sub acknowledge that communication is a vital aspect of any relationship or interaction, especially in this lifestyle; where the inherent nature of such dynamics appears against social norms and can play on one’s sense of reality.
• The parties agree to be open and honest with each other when communicating at all times.
• Being honest means that all essential information is communicated (omission by silence is not permitted).
• If any party has a concern, they shall raise the issue immediately (if this is not practicable, then within 24 hours) using the procedures outlined in Check-ins and Pauses below.

Communication can be difficult for many people. It’s not easy opening up and being vulnerable to another. Many people shut down communication in times of difficulty. Acknowledging this in your agreement brings the importance of discussing your thoughts and feelings to the forefront. When you feel stuck and your communication breaks down, reflect on these rules and remind yourselves of their importance – it could save your relationship.

Beginner BDSM Rules for Negotiation

• The parties acknowledge that negotiation is a crucial first step to creating a relationship or dynamic where both party’s needs and wants can be met. It also helps to avoid disappointment through unmet expectations.
• The parties agree to express their wants, needs and desires in an open and honest way. This means saying no to activities and interactions which do not interest you and also saying yes to those that excite you.
• The Dominant and submissive acknowledge that during any period of negotiation (while stepping outside of the dynamic), they are both on an equal playing field. There is no power exchange during negotiations.
• The parties agree not to manipulate one another or to force the other person into anything. Consent obtained through coercion or manipulation is not consent.
• The Dom and sub agree not to mock, tease or ridicule the other party for making any suggestions or when expressing their fantasies, wants, needs and desires.
• The parties agree not to step into their roles or to engage in any activity unless that activity, interaction or dynamic has been negotiated and agreed upon beforehand.

Beginner BDSM Rules for Check Ins 

• The parties acknowledge that regular check ins and the ability to pause the dynamic are important for safety (emotional and physical) and for building trust.
• Once the parties step into their roles, the Master and slave agree to provide daily check ins at an agreed upon time via an agreed upon method (e.g. telephone conversation, video call, text, email, journal, face to face).
• During check ins, each party may discuss anything they wish about the dynamic including how they are feeling, what they are enjoying, things that are bothering them, whether they would like to continue and any changes they propose.
• In addition to the scheduled check ins above, the Dominant or submissive may request (or command) a check in at any time to see how the other person is feeling.

Beginner BDSM Rules for Pauses

• Either party may stop or pause the power exchange at any time using the following codeword (e.g. “pause”, “time out”, “banana”).
• Once the Dominant or submissive uses the designated pause word:
  • the parties agree to stop all interactions and return to equal power; and
  • the parties may either discuss the issue at that moment or schedule a later time to discuss.
• Any discussions during a pause period shall take place in the specified designated area (e.g. a specific room in the house).

Now that you’ve covered some foundation rules on communicating, here are some fun starter rules you may like to consider adding to create your power exchange.

Starter Rule Ideas

When creating active rules for your BDSM dynamic, consider how you would like to interact within your relationship.

How to create rules that are relevant to you:

• As a Dominant, is there anything you would like your proposed submissive to do for you on an ongoing basis (daily, weekly perhaps)?
• As a submissive, is there anything you would like your Dominant to take charge in or to give you guidance on?

Designing a new BDSM relationship can be fun and exciting.

However, one challenge is coming up with ideas for rules and protocols to keep your interactions exciting and relevant to your needs and wants.

A good approach is to gather many ideas, see which appeal to you and trial those to see what works for you.

Start with one or two active rules at a time and see how you feel about them.

This is the best way to create a dynamic that’s ideal for you.

Areas of Control

To give you ideas, here are some areas of control which are included in our detailed BDSM Contract Template you may like to consider:

• The submissive’s body/genitals – available to the Dominant? When? In what condition?
• Sexual slavery – when is this required? What is expected?
• Self pleasure/orgasm – On command? Denial? Permission required?
• Mind – helping with self-worth, education, mental health, courses to undertake?
• Domestic service – daily chores? Specific tasks? Any special requests/requirements?
• Morning/night time ritual – good morning/night texts, prepare/serve meals?
• Clothing & dress – choice of panties/clothes? Dress requirements?
• Grooming & hygiene – shaving/epilating? Douching? Inspections?
• Health & fitness – classes, stretches, workouts, dietary restrictions?
• Hair length & style – length, colour, daily styling, pubic hair?
• Bathing & washing – any specific requirements? Will this be an act of service? For whom?
• Tattoos, piercing, body art, branding – off limits? Requirement? Temporary/Permanent?
• Eating – will the Dominant have any control over the submissive’s food/eating habits? Water intake?
• Sleeping – set bed times?
• Tobacco/vape use – allowed? Restricted?
• Recreational drug use – prohibited? Allowed in moderation?
• Medication – help with remembering/taking?
• Alcohol intake – restrictions at home vs social outings? Permission required?
• Photographs, videos, recordings of the submissive – allowed? Required? How will these be safeguarded?
• Work/job – ability to make decisions regarding career/study?
• Finances/allowances – purchases over certain amount must be approved
• Geographic location – ability to control whereabouts & when
• Names/Titles – for each party, private vs public.
• Collars – training collar, permanent collar, requirements for wearing?

Beginner BDSM Rules From Others’ Experiences

The following ideas have been submitted by others in the lifestyle. These rules and interactions have greatly helped them in establishing a loving, fun and meaningful power exchange. Hopefully they will give you some inspiration when creating yours.

Rules for Initial Submissive Training

In private, when I am arriving to your home for training or play, you will always greet me on your knees, awaiting my permission to move, speak, or rise. When signalled, you will greet me with a kiss and then return to your knees until given the command to release that position.

You will learn and obey the pre-discussed hand signals.

You will learn and obey the following verbal position commands:

• Inspection
• Wait
• Punishment
• Wall
• Ass
• Endurance

These are great for initial sub training. And great for conditioning and testing your sub. I love to make simple to follow but easy to break rules, these are definitely some of my favorites.

~ Max T, Dominant

Rewards for my Shy Submissive by Zea

My girl can be rather shy, and not always be good about telling me what kind of reward she wants. I made a popsicle stick jar of rewards for doing her goals. When she can’t pick, we draw a stick. This helps us, because we are still training and easing her into the lifestyle.

~ Zea, Dominant

My Basic starter Rules

The sub will perform daily tasks required from the Dom and any lack of compliance will generate a punishment, decided in regards to the fault.
The social collar is to be on her neck everyday. The absence of her collar will be punished.
In public the sub may use any titles discussed. In private, she’s to always call the Dom “Sir”.
There will always be a safe word and, in case she can’t use it (like using a gag ball) there will be a gesture with the same purpose.

~ Anonymous, Dom

Food Rewards and Written Rules

A big thing I like to do is food rewards. Everyone loves food. So if I follow the rules my dominant has set, for the week, I get to pick a place to eat during pay week. I am a switch so I also use the same idea with my subs.

I have found having a paper, or readable copy, of rules, rewards, punishments, and limits to be helpful. I have tried relationships without one before and can say with all honesty that having it all written down makes it harder to forget things in the heat of the moment.

~ Tala, switch

A BDSM Rule to Get Beginner Dominants Comfortable in Their Role

My boyfriend has never experienced BDSM before, so in order to ease his into it we’ve been playing a little experimentation game to get him used to being a Dom. Basically, he has to try to get me in little space while not being able to touch me. He can only use words and commands in order to get me to drop. Its not much but he’s getting better at it, and with time I think he’ll be a great Dom!

It appeals to me and a big reason as to why I enjoy it so much is because not only is it testing his Dom skills, but it also tests his patience. I love when he loses control and just has to touch me, even though he loses and I get rewards. So I guess this whole situation is a win win for me!

~ Lil Red, little