There often comes a time in some BDSM relationships where a sub begins to wonder if his or her Dom is becoming too dominant or too demanding. While this does not happen in all relationships, it does occur in some. One problem that many subs have, however, is telling if their partner is truly overstepping the boundaries or is this is just an impression not based on fact that they (the sub) may be having. Here are clues that a Dom may be becoming too dominant in the relationship.

Breaking Pre-Established Rules

If you and your partner discussed the boundaries of the relationship before you actually entered into the relationship, then noticing that the Dom is going beyond those established boundaries is certainly cause for some alarm. The degree that the Dom is moving past these limitations can vary from a little to a lot, and it is up to the sub to decide when “enough is enough” and bring it up to his or her partner. Having pre-established limits is one of the most important issues that couples have to discuss and negotiate “before” they begin a BDSM relationship. Without these boundaries, everything becomes arbitrary, open to interpretation. The best place to start is by going over a BDSM Contract together.

Ignoring your Comments

In some BDSM relationships, those which are based on a TPE (Total Power Exchange), the slave is not allowed to voice his or her opinion about the aspects of the relationships unless invited to do so by the Master/Mistress. However, most of those who are in a BDSM relationship are not into a TPE arrangement, per se. Because they are not, the sub has every right to voice her or his opinion about what is happening in the relationship as long as this is done in a respectful manner.

If after voicing your concerns, your partner continues to overstep the bounds (which is in effect ignoring you), then the sub may wish to consider the options that are available to him or her. These options include everything from forgetting the offense and going along with whatever the Dom is doing to breaking off the relationship and everything in between. This decision, as to what to do, can be challenging for most subs.

How to Handle It

If the Dominant is doing something that the submissive feels is beyond his or her (the sub’s) comfort level, then the issue really does need to be addressed and the sooner the better. A BDSM relationship is meant to enjoyable by both parties, regardless of what the vanilla community may think. If one partner is being made to do things that he or she is not comfortable doing, then that enjoyment is diminished.

The first course of action, then, is to arrange a time to discuss the matter with the Dom. Be respectful during the discourse, but do make sure that you get your feelings out in an honest, open manner. Many submissives are often surprised to learn that their Dom is willing to change His or Her behavior once they see that it is upsetting to their partner.

If you’d like a list of topics to discuss, grab my free BDSM Contract Worksheet here. Hope this helps.

Author: Robert O.