Tips for Negotiating a BDSM Contract

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Tips for Negotiating a BDSM Contract 2017-01-12T02:50:15+00:00

Getting into a BDSM relationship is much like getting into any other type of relationship. But, it is also unlike many relationships in many ways. The old adage that “knowledge is power” holds true for anyone who is considering getting into BDSM relationship and signing a contract. Getting that knowledge should take place “before” one agrees to be bound and not “after” the fact. With that in mind, here are some tips for those who may be thinking of entering this exciting lifestyle.

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Know Your Partner First

This may sound like very basic common sense, but you might be surprised at how many people enter into a BDSM contract without first getting to know their partner. What do we mean by getting to know your partner and how do you actually go about doing that? Good questions!
The only real way to get to know someone is to spend time with that person. There is no set rule on how long people should spend before they enter either a formal or informal BDSM relationship but most of those who have managed to do so successfully suggest that at least a few weeks go by and that during that time you and your partner meet, in person, at least 5 times. This would be the minimum, and more visits together would be better.

Know what the BDSM relationship Involves

This is a very important issue to discuss with your partner before agreeing to enter into any kind of contractual agreement. Each of you, sub and Dom, will have certain expectations that need to be identified early on. The only way for those expectations to come to light is for the two of you to have an open and honest discussion.  This discussion may take a while and may take more than one conversation. It’s not unusual for couples to take months to even a year to perfect their arrangement. Even after that, the discussion is ongoing as your relationship develops and changes along the way. Use our free negotiation sheet for guidance (click the above button to get your copy).

During these talks, bring up such issues as:
•    What is expected of each partner?
•    Will you live together? If so, what are the plans for that happening?
•    Are you going to see other people during the relationship? This is important to understand beforehand as this issue has caused a lot of problems for both subs and Doms in the past.
•    Will the sub continue to work if he or she has a job?
•    What are the punishment rules for this BDSM relationship?

Also remember that you are equals during negotiation times (discussion about the relationships and your rules). The Dom does not dictate all the rules and then just make the sub sign, it is a discussion on an equal footing. Then, after your negotiation talks, you can step back into your roles and conduct yourselves according to your agreed terms.

As you can see, the questions that need to be addressed cover a lot of ground, but both of you need to have a firm grasp of what is expected and what is not expected in this relationship. Keep in mind that each and every BDSM relationship is unique in its own way. Some couples are looking for a 24/7 BDSM arrangement which requires much more from both partners than, say, a BDSM relationship that only takes place one or two days a week.

It is also important to discuss, and this can be uncomfortable for some people, the terms on which the BDSM relationship can end. This issue is important for both parties because if a relationship does not work out for one or both people, bringing it to a safe and consensual end is important.

If you need something to guide your talks, try our negotiation worksheet. Going over a structured document together can make things easier.

Use these tips before you get into a relationship and your chances of success will be improved!

Grab a copy of my free negotiation training!

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